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Posts tagged “News

Spain Hoists World Cup Trophy! MVP Goes to Paul the Octopus

What a ride for Spain.  They lost their opening match to Switzerland.  That’s right, they lost to the country that other countries bring their money to because they have relatively no reputation other than nothing happens there.  That being said, they did something that no one expected them to, and that is become the first team to win the World Cup after losing their first game.  Okay well I guess someone expected them to:

If only I had him around when I had to decide between girls and comic books so he could have punched me in the face and told me to grow a sack

That’s right.  Paul picked every team.  Every damn one.  But while most people may have been able to analyze the teams and picked the better ones, it seems that when Paul picks a team, they BECOME the better team.  Its uncanny.  He picked Spain, and I could imagine many level-headed sports analysts picking them, but there are two reasons that Paul’s situation blows my mind and others don’t.  For starters, Paul is an octopus, a creature not known for its higher reasoning abilities.  Second, Spain scored the latest goal in World Cup history, the 117th minute in extra time.  There were literally no indicators on who would win the game until Spain pulled a goal out of their ass on a broken play.  Maybe they were the better team, but they weren’t better enough to win it in normal time, and Paul was the edge they needed.

Haven't you ever wondered why Vincente NEVER looks worried? Him and Paul were roomates in college according to many sources in my head

The only thing Paul didn’t do for Spain was put on shin-guards and play world class defense with all 8 tentacles.  Forget Sergio Ramos.  Forget David Villa.  Forget Puyol.  Give it up for Paul the Octopus.

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How to turn 2 hours of news into 24 hours of programming

A lot goes on in a 24 hour span.  You wake up, you get dressed, you shuffle around until you get your coffee, make it to work, come home, maybe mow your lawn, jerk off, go to bed.  No offense, but that isn’t exactly news.  So how is it, that while millions of us do exactly that every day, there is enough BIG news to fill in 24 hours of cable programming.

The simple answer is that there isn’t that much news happening during the day.  So how do channels like CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC manage to pump out endless hours of “news.”  The simple answer to that one is that they don’t.  In fact, on an average day, these networks cover the same 4 or 5 stories in an endless loop, filling in the cracks with pants-on-head retarded stories about Lindsey Lohan’s latest gangbang/DUI/overdose, or Mel Gibson’s latest comment about those money-grubbing Jews, and with anchors switching from behind the desk like a bunch of hockey players subbing in for the last 2 minutes of a game.  But its not the anchors who have it the hardest, its the other guys.

See all those people behind him? Yeah, they're like those guys in 300 that lug around Xerxes' ridiculous pyramid throne

The drones in the background frantically search for even the slightest bit of information that could justify flashing breaking news across the screen, causing the anchor to pretend that this next story is unlike anything they’ve ever seen.  And what is with the bears?  I honestly can’t understand why so many goddamn bears get loose in the middle of random suburban neighborhoods.  Maybe the bears know that they wouldn’t get as much camera time if they rolled up in the Portland or the Bronx.

This might as well be real.  And every time there’s a car chase, you would think by watching the anchors demeanor that it was the first time someone ever thought it might work to try and step on the gas pedal rather than stop. I’m not diminishing the danger of a high-speed chase, but if they are really that high a priority on the news agenda, why don’t I ever get to see the Fox News helicopter over my town covering the drag race between my neighbor and his meth-head uncle?

The Meth-Head uncle

But there are other strategies to fill the time that only partially involve bullshit.  Opinion shows.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I don’t even care if you’re talented enough to have your own show.  But when you open a newspaper, normally 1 or 2 pages are dedicated to opinion.  The pages are clearly labeled.  In a small newspaper, lets say 10 pages, opinion will encompass no more than one-tenth to one-fifth of the total content.  On Fox News, weekday programming consists of NEARLY FIFTY PERCENT opinion.  Oh by the way, if you want news after you’re finally able to sit down for the day, the networks are going to want you to go ahead and pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of go fuck yourself, because you won’t find it after 8. Instead, you’ll find these guys:

This must have been his reaction to 2 girls 1 cup

I think this was his argument for universal health care

Apparently the best time to get your news is when you’re at work.  Unfortunately, all I care to get from my news is the facts of what happened in the day WHILE I WAS AT WORK NOT WATCHING THE NEWS.  I don’t want to hear Glenn Beck talk about why God sent him to Earth to tell everyone that liberals want to eat your babies, and I don’t want to hear Keith Olbermann talk scientifically about how his wiener came to be the biggest on the planet.  I want the one thing that the 24 hour news networks can’t seem to find: news.