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How to turn 2 hours of news into 24 hours of programming

A lot goes on in a 24 hour span.  You wake up, you get dressed, you shuffle around until you get your coffee, make it to work, come home, maybe mow your lawn, jerk off, go to bed.  No offense, but that isn’t exactly news.  So how is it, that while millions of us do exactly that every day, there is enough BIG news to fill in 24 hours of cable programming.

The simple answer is that there isn’t that much news happening during the day.  So how do channels like CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC manage to pump out endless hours of “news.”  The simple answer to that one is that they don’t.  In fact, on an average day, these networks cover the same 4 or 5 stories in an endless loop, filling in the cracks with pants-on-head retarded stories about Lindsey Lohan’s latest gangbang/DUI/overdose, or Mel Gibson’s latest comment about those money-grubbing Jews, and with anchors switching from behind the desk like a bunch of hockey players subbing in for the last 2 minutes of a game.  But its not the anchors who have it the hardest, its the other guys.

See all those people behind him? Yeah, they're like those guys in 300 that lug around Xerxes' ridiculous pyramid throne

The drones in the background frantically search for even the slightest bit of information that could justify flashing breaking news across the screen, causing the anchor to pretend that this next story is unlike anything they’ve ever seen.  And what is with the bears?  I honestly can’t understand why so many goddamn bears get loose in the middle of random suburban neighborhoods.  Maybe the bears know that they wouldn’t get as much camera time if they rolled up in the Portland or the Bronx.

This might as well be real.  And every time there’s a car chase, you would think by watching the anchors demeanor that it was the first time someone ever thought it might work to try and step on the gas pedal rather than stop. I’m not diminishing the danger of a high-speed chase, but if they are really that high a priority on the news agenda, why don’t I ever get to see the Fox News helicopter over my town covering the drag race between my neighbor and his meth-head uncle?

The Meth-Head uncle

But there are other strategies to fill the time that only partially involve bullshit.  Opinion shows.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I don’t even care if you’re talented enough to have your own show.  But when you open a newspaper, normally 1 or 2 pages are dedicated to opinion.  The pages are clearly labeled.  In a small newspaper, lets say 10 pages, opinion will encompass no more than one-tenth to one-fifth of the total content.  On Fox News, weekday programming consists of NEARLY FIFTY PERCENT opinion.  Oh by the way, if you want news after you’re finally able to sit down for the day, the networks are going to want you to go ahead and pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of go fuck yourself, because you won’t find it after 8. Instead, you’ll find these guys:

This must have been his reaction to 2 girls 1 cup

I think this was his argument for universal health care

Apparently the best time to get your news is when you’re at work.  Unfortunately, all I care to get from my news is the facts of what happened in the day WHILE I WAS AT WORK NOT WATCHING THE NEWS.  I don’t want to hear Glenn Beck talk about why God sent him to Earth to tell everyone that liberals want to eat your babies, and I don’t want to hear Keith Olbermann talk scientifically about how his wiener came to be the biggest on the planet.  I want the one thing that the 24 hour news networks can’t seem to find: news.

Movie Review: 2012

Word on the Street is that 2012 equals the apocalypse.  Whatever it equals, it most certainly does not equal good movie.  At WOTS, we will generally make a half-assed attempt to be fair and put kidding aside to do so.  But I simply can’t be nice about this.  When cinema and CGI began their relationship, it looked like the beginning of a long-lasting marriage that would produce many well-performed, visually sexy, and overall well thought-out pieces of art, and in many instances it has reached and even exceeded that standard.  But no one could have envisioned the bastard child that this couple would produce in 2012.

As I watched the movie, I made mental notes of every glaring cliche I could.  Apparently the government was aware in 2010 that some ridiculous psuedo-science magic beam of fairy mucus was affecting the core of the Earth, and the world was scheduled to end right when the Mayan calendar predicted.   They try to save humanity and so on.  And of course theres the nut-job hippie who knew it all along but no one would listen but he was actually right.  I can just imagine the production meeting:

“Hey guys lets make a movie about the apocalypse in 2012.”

“Alright what did you guys have in mind?”

“Well we can’t save everyone on Earth, because that would be STUPID.”

“Right…”

“Well how are we going to live then?”

“Government scientists are going to know about it and the government will secretly prepare.”

“Alright that was easy, now what?”

“Well we’re not going to make a movie out of that, because that required almost no thought or effort…”

“Yeah guys and between the writers and cameramen we only spent 100 dollars, we still have a good 200 million left to  spend.”

“We need actors.”

“Yeah maybe if they’re good enough they can make our shitty script good.”

(Nods of agreement throughout the room)

“Okay what else…”

“Call up the CGI guys….All of them.”

And thus 2012 was born.  A massively over-budgeted destruction-porn flick that used a few big name actors to drag a kindergarten-level script kicking and screaming “This movie is a fucking joke!” through a plot that is so absolutely contrived and poorly thought out that I began hoping for one of the characters to look into the camera and say, “You all just got punk’d mothafuckas.”  At least then I could go home being pissed that the movie was a joke rather than being pissed that it was a joke but thought its audience was stupid enough to take it seriously.

Even the actors knew...

2012 reminds me of Miss Teen South Carolina.  Anyone can like a girl that looks good, and if they have a personality, you don’t have to hate yourself for it.  But 2012 is like a girl with no personality and no intelligence.  Granted she looks good, but her lack of intelligence and personality is just so incredibly glaring that saying that you are attracted to her just feels wrong in every way.

I guess one person disagrees with me...

I’m not just taking cheap shots at this movie.  I’m willing to go so far as to send a handwritten letter to anyone thinking about seeing this movie.  In it I will place 1 dollar.  This dollar is me paying you NOT to see it.  See, I look out for you guys.

How to Play the Vuvuzela

Believe it or not, vuvuzelas have become the hottest new instruments to learn how to play. After watching the FIFA World Cup, many of my friends in the music department have started to take up playing the thing.  What is a vuvuzela you ask? It is an instrument used by spectators at soccer matches that is used to drive down ticket prices and television ratings by annoying the hell out of anyone willing to suffer through it.

A simple horn right? Wrong.

Like any citizen of the world, I enjoy the occasional soccer game, even though being American makes me by default less enthusiastic.  But when I sat down to watch my first game, I fell in love with the sweet, melodic hum of the vuvuzela.  Since then I’ve begun to play it, and it isn’t as easy as one might think.  With help from other guys in the music department, I was able to come up with a beginners guide to playing the vuvuzela, which is to my knowledge the first of its kind on the internet.

Step 1:  Obtain a vuvuzela–These can be obtained through most online marketplaces like eBay, but its best to buy a plane ticket to Johannesburg, South Africa, and pick one up from any of the thousands of vendors trying to profit from other people’s annoyance.

Step 2:  Playing the instrument–Contrary to popular belief, vuvuzelas only produce sound when there is someone to annoy within its vicinity.  This isn’t normally a problem as usually even the player finds the monotonous B-flat bothersome at times.  In order to produce a higher quality sound, take the vuvuzela to your local high school football game, or perhaps to the golf course.  The sound quality improves still more by simply pointing the end of the horn directly at someone’s head or ear.

Step 3:  Location and Setting–Vuvuzelas ALWAYS sound better in numbers.  A tight formation of 15 to 20 players produces a clear, sharp sound that is sure repel wildlife as well as neighbors.  If possible, attend a sporting event that is sure to attract a television audience, to ensure that not only the people around your seats can hear, but also those people sitting in the comfort of their own home.

The Final Step:  When playing the vuvuzela, sometimes the constant sound isn’t ridiculous or annoying enough for the average listener.  In order to correct this and supplement the 130 decibel B-flat, paint your face and wear the most colorful items in your closet, be sure that the colors clash to enusre that all of the listener’s senses are affected.  Here is a professional vuvuzela player at work:

Professionals can take two at the same time without oral trauma...

So there you have it folks, before you know it, you will be playing the vuvuzela like a champ!

Game Review: Battlefield: Bad Company 2

Ever since November of 2007, when both Call of Duty: Modern Warfare and Halo 3 were released and all of your friends skipped class or called in sick to work, the video game industry has been trying to put together the perfect shooter.  Some people like different things in a shooter.  Some like customization, some like realism, some like cooperative modes, and some like great campaign modes.  Every major game publisher has been trying to throw these aspects together in different proportions to craft the perfect shooter.  Some recipes have come out like a gourmet meal cooked to perfection, and some have come out about as well as that Swanson T.V. dinner you accidentally put in the microwave for an hour and only realized it was being burnt because it started smelling worse than your apartment does normally.  One thing that has been a point of emphasis has been multiplayer, because the only thing less pathetic than playing by one’s self is playing with a bunch of people that one doesn’t know and listening to them argue with their mom about why their basement smells like a combination of boys locker room and weed.  And lets face it if you bought this game for the single player you probably also buy shoes because of how they look in your closet and are therefore either a girl or a fucking idiot.  No offense to girls or fucking idiots.

Battlefield: Bad Company 2 will not disappoint.  The multiplayer is one of the most fun experiences one can have online outside of drunken chat roulette, but even better because rather than watching a hairy forty year old strip, you get to look at a beautiful environment that is all the more beautiful because you can destroy every last inch of it.  Sure shooting through walls in Call of Duty is fun, but unless you have a tank, that sniper in the tower is probably just going to back off long enough to reload and headshot you anyway.  The makers of BBC2 fixed that right quick, by actually giving you an M1A1.  You might think that in a multiplayer game, having a tank would unbalance the gameplay completely, but after about the first week the game came out it became pretty clear to everyone that while tanks are nice, riding in one is like walking down the streets of Kabul with a Team America t-shirt on in that you can expect everyone with an RPG (and lots of people have em) to turn you to ground beef ASAP.

Oh did I mention that the graphics are pretty good too...

Besides vehicles and destructible environments, BBC2 boasts some of the biggest maps of any first person shooter out there.  Rush mode features maps that literally require vehicles if you hope to make it all the way across the map. Groups of 4 people form squads that can split up to take different objectives with a genuinely tactical approach.  You’re squad stays fairly close together, and you’re able to spawn near any living member of you’re squad, which allows the attacking group to apply constant pressure.

2 squad mates attempting to dodge tank fire...

While BBC2 doesn’t exactly boast the customization of Call of Duty or Rainbow Six, there are enough unlockables to keep most people busy.  If you really want more, you can probably go buy a GI Joe and dress it up like the character you made on Modern Warfare 2 right before you joined the game and didn’t blow up buildings with a helicopter.

The guys at Word on the Street are going to give Battlefield: Bad Company 2 a 17 out of 10 on the How does it compare to Modern Warfare? scale, and a solid 4.5 out of 5 for being the best online and probably pure shooter of the year.  That’s what we think, what about you?

World’s Most-Spoiled Fans

There are spoiled fans in every sport.  This isn’t exactly news, and its not always shameful to jump on the bandwagon every once in a while and pretend you’ve been a Cubs fan all along even though you haven’t watched since 03′ when Steve Bartman caught that foul ball.  If there’s one team that needs more bandwagon fans, its the Cubs.  However, Cubs fans aren’t spoiled by any means, seeing as how they haven’t won a thing since Genghis Khan started his conquest of Europe.  On the opposite end of this spectrum lay the Yankees, the team that has been the source of some of the greatest baseball players of all time, and the home of the most spoiled fans of all time.  With 40 World Series appearances, they have by far the most (in fact the next best is 22 behind).  Furthermore, the number of times they have won the fuckin thing betters the second place team by 17 (27-10).  Now I know there are some Yankees fan who will say “hey sports guy, its not like they win it every year…”  Of course they don’t, there are 29 other teams in the league, I guess you Yankee fans will have to settle for one third of the last 15 World Series wins.

I think the problem has a lot to do with this picture.

Lets face it folks, being a Yankees fan is like being a fan of the rich uncle you have that brings you the latest Ipod every time you have a family get together.  It makes you genuinely disappointed the next time he comes and only brings you a brand new game for your Xbox 360 that you spend all day on playing MLB 2k10 as the Yankees trying to improve your record to 162 and 0 on your way to your 10th consecutive title in dynasty mode.  Alright I went a little far with that but you get the point.  Yankees fans are to Cubs fans what Bill O’Reilly is to your average single mom.  While one complains about the teleprompter to the point of popping a blood vessel ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2tJjNVVwRCY ), the other goes without luxury in the hopes that better days lie ahead.

Seriously check out that video if you haven't seen it.

Average Cubs fan.

While Yankees fans could point to some “culture of winning” or some other bullshit reason the Yankees are always at or near the top of their division, I would tend to point to the lack of a salary cap coupled with the unlimited money that New York can spew out for a brand new stadium or to get lets say…Robinson Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, C.C. Sabathia, and Mariano Rivera all on the same team.  But hey I’m just the sports guy.  What do you think?

Long Story Short

The internet is a big place.  Too big for just any blog.  In fact this isn’t even a blog.  Technically it is, but The Guys and I think it could be so much more.  You want news, we got news.  You want sports, we got sports. You want videos, we got videos.  You want crude humor, we got it.  You want insults?  Then you’re probably a douche bag.   In fact if there’s something we don’t have, tell us and we’ll lock that shit down. We have more interests than we do Hannah Montana memorabilia.  No but really, check it out.  We’ll keep you posted…

The Guys