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Spain Hoists World Cup Trophy! MVP Goes to Paul the Octopus

What a ride for Spain.  They lost their opening match to Switzerland.  That’s right, they lost to the country that other countries bring their money to because they have relatively no reputation other than nothing happens there.  That being said, they did something that no one expected them to, and that is become the first team to win the World Cup after losing their first game.  Okay well I guess someone expected them to:

If only I had him around when I had to decide between girls and comic books so he could have punched me in the face and told me to grow a sack

That’s right.  Paul picked every team.  Every damn one.  But while most people may have been able to analyze the teams and picked the better ones, it seems that when Paul picks a team, they BECOME the better team.  Its uncanny.  He picked Spain, and I could imagine many level-headed sports analysts picking them, but there are two reasons that Paul’s situation blows my mind and others don’t.  For starters, Paul is an octopus, a creature not known for its higher reasoning abilities.  Second, Spain scored the latest goal in World Cup history, the 117th minute in extra time.  There were literally no indicators on who would win the game until Spain pulled a goal out of their ass on a broken play.  Maybe they were the better team, but they weren’t better enough to win it in normal time, and Paul was the edge they needed.

Haven't you ever wondered why Vincente NEVER looks worried? Him and Paul were roomates in college according to many sources in my head

The only thing Paul didn’t do for Spain was put on shin-guards and play world class defense with all 8 tentacles.  Forget Sergio Ramos.  Forget David Villa.  Forget Puyol.  Give it up for Paul the Octopus.


Why Lebron Isn’t Who We Thought He Was

I have nothing bad to say about Lebron’s decision to take his god-like build and basketball talent to South Beach to join Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh.  That’s where anyone with more than one brain cell would go if they wanted to win championships.  In fact on Lebron’s part, I think it was the best decision he could have made.  It makes about as much sense as marrying a rich supermodel, which is exactly what this move was about.  By the way Cleveland fans, I know it sucks, but talk to a Cubs fan before you start burning jerseys in anger.  I mean for God’s sake.  Finally, Lebron has proven to his fans that he is dedicated to winning, and ironically left most of his fans in the process.  There is no arguing that he isn’t one of the best players in the past 20 years, and I’m not going to take anything away from his talent in this article.  But he has also shown the public another side of him, one that we always kind of thought was there but were never quite sure.

Lebron James is an ego-maniac.  It’s not surprising.  He’s a professional athlete, and has had his picture on the sides of buildings.  He’s had people in his ear telling him how big his wiener is and why no one will ever have as big of one as him.  The one thing they say will make his wiener even bigger is winning championships, so he figures he should probably do that.

I guess I should change my religious views on Facebook to Lebron James

The problem I have with Lebron is that if he didn’t have to win championships to prove that he was better than everyone, he would be content to sit in Cleveland the rest of his career and let a championship fall into his lap, because he’s entitled to it.  He doesn’t care about winning, he cares about his image and legacy.  Contrast that to Kobe Bryant.  I don’t like Kobe as a person, and I don’t even think he’s as good as a lot of people say he is, but the man wants to win.  He doesn’t care what people think of him, he just. wants. wins.

Lebron doesn’t want to win, he wants to be a celebrity.  He wants people to adore him on and off the court, and he wants people following his every move as if he were Carmen Electra in her prime and the rest of the world was a fraternity full of hyper-sexual 20 somethings.  Look at the way he has single-handedly hijacked ESPN for the past week and a half.  He’s turned Sports Center into Lebron Center and Pardon the Interruption into Pardon the Interruption, but you aren’t talking about Lebron…Why aren’t you talking about Lebron?  He KNOWS that this is going on, and he loves it.  Its like he’s getting a full body massage, followed by a money bath, followed by a money shower, followed by a lot of money.

So there’s Alex Rodriguez, who did roids, with the last classy baseball player being Derek Jeter.  There’s Tiger Woods, wait, what did he do again?  There’s Ben Roethlisberger, who had done everything but kill someone, a title held only by Donte’ Stallworth, who is back in the NFL a year after KILLING SOMEONE!  And then there’s the latest super star to be revealed as a closet douche bag:  Lebron James, who would rather be in showbiz than basketball.

Roger Federer, you better not screw this up.

World’s Most-Spoiled Fans

There are spoiled fans in every sport.  This isn’t exactly news, and its not always shameful to jump on the bandwagon every once in a while and pretend you’ve been a Cubs fan all along even though you haven’t watched since 03′ when Steve Bartman caught that foul ball.  If there’s one team that needs more bandwagon fans, its the Cubs.  However, Cubs fans aren’t spoiled by any means, seeing as how they haven’t won a thing since Genghis Khan started his conquest of Europe.  On the opposite end of this spectrum lay the Yankees, the team that has been the source of some of the greatest baseball players of all time, and the home of the most spoiled fans of all time.  With 40 World Series appearances, they have by far the most (in fact the next best is 22 behind).  Furthermore, the number of times they have won the fuckin thing betters the second place team by 17 (27-10).  Now I know there are some Yankees fan who will say “hey sports guy, its not like they win it every year…”  Of course they don’t, there are 29 other teams in the league, I guess you Yankee fans will have to settle for one third of the last 15 World Series wins.

I think the problem has a lot to do with this picture.

Lets face it folks, being a Yankees fan is like being a fan of the rich uncle you have that brings you the latest Ipod every time you have a family get together.  It makes you genuinely disappointed the next time he comes and only brings you a brand new game for your Xbox 360 that you spend all day on playing MLB 2k10 as the Yankees trying to improve your record to 162 and 0 on your way to your 10th consecutive title in dynasty mode.  Alright I went a little far with that but you get the point.  Yankees fans are to Cubs fans what Bill O’Reilly is to your average single mom.  While one complains about the teleprompter to the point of popping a blood vessel ( ), the other goes without luxury in the hopes that better days lie ahead.

Seriously check out that video if you haven't seen it.

Average Cubs fan.

While Yankees fans could point to some “culture of winning” or some other bullshit reason the Yankees are always at or near the top of their division, I would tend to point to the lack of a salary cap coupled with the unlimited money that New York can spew out for a brand new stadium or to get lets say…Robinson Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, C.C. Sabathia, and Mariano Rivera all on the same team.  But hey I’m just the sports guy.  What do you think?