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Glenn Beck Announces His Candidacy for President, Palms Hit Faces Everywhere

If there was one person, just one, whose ability to speak could be taken away by you personally, who would it be?  Leave a comment and you’re reasoning.  Remember, they could still read, write, and communicate via other means, but they simply couldn’t speak.  Well this next article is dedicated to the source of my political frustration and sheer annoyance:  Glenn Beck.

This is where I put on my headphones, change my Ipod to hardcore, throw caution to the wind, and write the most vicious and scathing article I know how to that would still concievably draw views from the general public.

You know Glenn I always knew you were a fucking genious.

Glenn Beck is a dumbass.  He isn’t reasonable.  He does not fact check.  He stone-cold fucking batshit crazy.  Now, a lot of people, like Jon Stewart, SNL, and Stephen Colbert have deconstructed his methods, which consist of this:  think of an outrageous claim, find away to make it more outrageous, and then talk obscurely about things that are unrelated until he can connect A to B via some sort of ‘us vs. THEM’ monologue.  It is not difficult to do.  Look at the picture people.  I didn’t edit it in any way.  That picture illustrates one of his more reasonable claims.  Watch this video for others.

But for a while I didn’t care that his claims were so outrageous that his viewers probably began looking at iguanas  thinking “I suppose there’s no real reason they couldn’t grow wings and fly.”  What pushed me over the edge was when he began to talk of himself as a prophet.  Not like in a metaphorical, “I told you so”, kind of way.  He began to talk about himself as a legitimate mother fucking Jeremiah straight out of the Old Testament. Its as if one day he decided getting his viewers to believe iguanas could fly wasn’t enough.  He needed more.

So he embarked on a quest to place himself one step below Jesus on the average conservative’s list of “people who could get me to jump off a bridge just by asking.”  Ladies, he’s like that guy who comes up to you in the club and starts saying things.  Nothing in particular, just whatever he thinks will get you in his car in the next 5 minutes.  And whats worse is he seems like he actually believes with every fiber of his being that his penis is ACTUALLY the size of a Louisville Slugger.  In fact, he’s so full of himself, that’s what he calls it.  That guy is Glenn Beck.  He treats everyone on the other side of the camera as if they will believe whatever he says, and because of this, he only keeps those viewers who do believe everything he says.  That’s why EVERY Glenn Beck fan will defend ANYTHING he says.

Ok this picture I did mess with

I ran the probability tables and discovered that I could reduce cable news’ fallacy content by a full 41 percent by taking away Glenn Beck’s speaking ability.  I’m holding out for his ego to explode out of his nipples and possess him to run for president, which would allow me to attempt to eclipse the Guinness Book of World Record’s longest face-palm, a record previously held by the viewers of the Sarah Palin/Katie Couric interviews:

Now I can’t spend this entire post picking apart every aspect of Glenn’s show, personality, or ideological ‘imperfections’ lets call them.  But I’m not above taking a cheap shot….hey Glenn….next time you’re at Mickey D’s, maybe get 1 number 12 combo rather than 12 number 1 combos.  Fatty.