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Glenn Beck Announces His Candidacy for President, Palms Hit Faces Everywhere

If there was one person, just one, whose ability to speak could be taken away by you personally, who would it be?  Leave a comment and you’re reasoning.  Remember, they could still read, write, and communicate via other means, but they simply couldn’t speak.  Well this next article is dedicated to the source of my political frustration and sheer annoyance:  Glenn Beck.

This is where I put on my headphones, change my Ipod to hardcore, throw caution to the wind, and write the most vicious and scathing article I know how to that would still concievably draw views from the general public.

You know Glenn I always knew you were a fucking genious.

Glenn Beck is a dumbass.  He isn’t reasonable.  He does not fact check.  He stone-cold fucking batshit crazy.  Now, a lot of people, like Jon Stewart, SNL, and Stephen Colbert have deconstructed his methods, which consist of this:  think of an outrageous claim, find away to make it more outrageous, and then talk obscurely about things that are unrelated until he can connect A to B via some sort of ‘us vs. THEM’ monologue.  It is not difficult to do.  Look at the picture people.  I didn’t edit it in any way.  That picture illustrates one of his more reasonable claims.  Watch this video for others.

But for a while I didn’t care that his claims were so outrageous that his viewers probably began looking at iguanas  thinking “I suppose there’s no real reason they couldn’t grow wings and fly.”  What pushed me over the edge was when he began to talk of himself as a prophet.  Not like in a metaphorical, “I told you so”, kind of way.  He began to talk about himself as a legitimate mother fucking Jeremiah straight out of the Old Testament. Its as if one day he decided getting his viewers to believe iguanas could fly wasn’t enough.  He needed more.

So he embarked on a quest to place himself one step below Jesus on the average conservative’s list of “people who could get me to jump off a bridge just by asking.”  Ladies, he’s like that guy who comes up to you in the club and starts saying things.  Nothing in particular, just whatever he thinks will get you in his car in the next 5 minutes.  And whats worse is he seems like he actually believes with every fiber of his being that his penis is ACTUALLY the size of a Louisville Slugger.  In fact, he’s so full of himself, that’s what he calls it.  That guy is Glenn Beck.  He treats everyone on the other side of the camera as if they will believe whatever he says, and because of this, he only keeps those viewers who do believe everything he says.  That’s why EVERY Glenn Beck fan will defend ANYTHING he says.

Ok this picture I did mess with

I ran the probability tables and discovered that I could reduce cable news’ fallacy content by a full 41 percent by taking away Glenn Beck’s speaking ability.  I’m holding out for his ego to explode out of his nipples and possess him to run for president, which would allow me to attempt to eclipse the Guinness Book of World Record’s longest face-palm, a record previously held by the viewers of the Sarah Palin/Katie Couric interviews:

Now I can’t spend this entire post picking apart every aspect of Glenn’s show, personality, or ideological ‘imperfections’ lets call them.  But I’m not above taking a cheap shot….hey Glenn….next time you’re at Mickey D’s, maybe get 1 number 12 combo rather than 12 number 1 combos.  Fatty.


Spain Hoists World Cup Trophy! MVP Goes to Paul the Octopus

What a ride for Spain.  They lost their opening match to Switzerland.  That’s right, they lost to the country that other countries bring their money to because they have relatively no reputation other than nothing happens there.  That being said, they did something that no one expected them to, and that is become the first team to win the World Cup after losing their first game.  Okay well I guess someone expected them to:

If only I had him around when I had to decide between girls and comic books so he could have punched me in the face and told me to grow a sack

That’s right.  Paul picked every team.  Every damn one.  But while most people may have been able to analyze the teams and picked the better ones, it seems that when Paul picks a team, they BECOME the better team.  Its uncanny.  He picked Spain, and I could imagine many level-headed sports analysts picking them, but there are two reasons that Paul’s situation blows my mind and others don’t.  For starters, Paul is an octopus, a creature not known for its higher reasoning abilities.  Second, Spain scored the latest goal in World Cup history, the 117th minute in extra time.  There were literally no indicators on who would win the game until Spain pulled a goal out of their ass on a broken play.  Maybe they were the better team, but they weren’t better enough to win it in normal time, and Paul was the edge they needed.

Haven't you ever wondered why Vincente NEVER looks worried? Him and Paul were roomates in college according to many sources in my head

The only thing Paul didn’t do for Spain was put on shin-guards and play world class defense with all 8 tentacles.  Forget Sergio Ramos.  Forget David Villa.  Forget Puyol.  Give it up for Paul the Octopus.

We’re F***ed – UFO sighting over China

A Chinese airport was closed after this mysterious object was spotted in the sky. Arcing over Zhejiang’s provincial capital Hangzhou, the UFO appeared to glow with an eerie white light and left a bright trail in its wake. Xiaoshan Airport was closed after the UFO was detected at around 9 pm and dozens of flights had to be diverted.

Looks.. Harmless

Stunned witnesses reported seeing a comet-like fireball in the sky and a number of local residents took photos of the strange ball of light. A local bus driver, giving his name only as Yu, said he had seen a strange glowing object in the sky late on Wednesday afternoon.

‘The thing suddenly ran westwards fast, like it was escaping from something,’ he said.

Inbound flights were diverted to  nearby airports while outbound flights were delayed for three to four hours. Some Chinese experts claimed that the strange sight was actually debris from a US intercontinental ballistic missile.

Chinese officials later said that they knew what the object had been but were unable to make it public because there was a ‘military connection.


Funny story. It had a military connection because the military was probably trying to shoot it down. Here we fucking go again guys. We FINALLY get another chance to make contact with other life forms and sure enough our fucked up governments (ESPECIALLY COMMUNIST CHINA) screw it up and cover it up. I mean really China? Something you don’t know flies over your country and the first place you blame is the US?! Get a grip. If we wanted to hit you hard you’d never see it coming.

Are we ever going to learn? By the way, NEWS FLASH, earth wont last forever. When our sun decides he doesn’t want to be a star anymore, we are as good as dead. Our best bet right now would be to do a little networking.. Maybe find a NEW place to live. Have you ever seen a movie where the world was ending and everyone just sat around and watched? NO. Want to know why? CAUSE ITS THE WORST IDEA EVER.

In all honesty though.  We should be colonizing other planets, maybe even systems, by now. The only thing holding us back is ourselves. We need to put aside differences, pool our resources, and achieve something for the greater good for once.

HIV Vaccine: The Biggest News You Haven’t Heard About

I know the Lebron story was pretty riveting, and Lindsay Lohan’s shenanigans are always entertaining, but I’m going to have to call timeout really quick and direct your attention to this story:  Researchers have recently found two powerful antibodies that are capable of neutralizing 91 percent of all HIV strains.  According to scientists and researchers, this is proof that an AIDS can succeed.  YAY LEBRON ITS SO AWESOME YOU’RE GOING TO THE HEAT!  Now ESPN and probably CNN will most likely spend the next 2 or so weeks analyzing the analization of the analyzers on what this means for the sports world, but lets talk real world quick.

I know you hate to hear this Lindsay, but there are more important issues in the world than yours. See below.

There is no joke to this picture.

There is a vaccine, that exists today that has the potential to neutralize 91 percent of all HIV strains.  That’s right.  Not trying to make you all feel guilty, unless of course you work for any respectable news agency, then you should probably feel guilty.  Get your shit together and give me some real news.  You could start with news of a vaccine that could end up saving over 30 million people.  That is all.

How to turn 2 hours of news into 24 hours of programming

A lot goes on in a 24 hour span.  You wake up, you get dressed, you shuffle around until you get your coffee, make it to work, come home, maybe mow your lawn, jerk off, go to bed.  No offense, but that isn’t exactly news.  So how is it, that while millions of us do exactly that every day, there is enough BIG news to fill in 24 hours of cable programming.

The simple answer is that there isn’t that much news happening during the day.  So how do channels like CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC manage to pump out endless hours of “news.”  The simple answer to that one is that they don’t.  In fact, on an average day, these networks cover the same 4 or 5 stories in an endless loop, filling in the cracks with pants-on-head retarded stories about Lindsey Lohan’s latest gangbang/DUI/overdose, or Mel Gibson’s latest comment about those money-grubbing Jews, and with anchors switching from behind the desk like a bunch of hockey players subbing in for the last 2 minutes of a game.  But its not the anchors who have it the hardest, its the other guys.

See all those people behind him? Yeah, they're like those guys in 300 that lug around Xerxes' ridiculous pyramid throne

The drones in the background frantically search for even the slightest bit of information that could justify flashing breaking news across the screen, causing the anchor to pretend that this next story is unlike anything they’ve ever seen.  And what is with the bears?  I honestly can’t understand why so many goddamn bears get loose in the middle of random suburban neighborhoods.  Maybe the bears know that they wouldn’t get as much camera time if they rolled up in the Portland or the Bronx.

This might as well be real.  And every time there’s a car chase, you would think by watching the anchors demeanor that it was the first time someone ever thought it might work to try and step on the gas pedal rather than stop. I’m not diminishing the danger of a high-speed chase, but if they are really that high a priority on the news agenda, why don’t I ever get to see the Fox News helicopter over my town covering the drag race between my neighbor and his meth-head uncle?

The Meth-Head uncle

But there are other strategies to fill the time that only partially involve bullshit.  Opinion shows.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I don’t even care if you’re talented enough to have your own show.  But when you open a newspaper, normally 1 or 2 pages are dedicated to opinion.  The pages are clearly labeled.  In a small newspaper, lets say 10 pages, opinion will encompass no more than one-tenth to one-fifth of the total content.  On Fox News, weekday programming consists of NEARLY FIFTY PERCENT opinion.  Oh by the way, if you want news after you’re finally able to sit down for the day, the networks are going to want you to go ahead and pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of go fuck yourself, because you won’t find it after 8. Instead, you’ll find these guys:

This must have been his reaction to 2 girls 1 cup

I think this was his argument for universal health care

Apparently the best time to get your news is when you’re at work.  Unfortunately, all I care to get from my news is the facts of what happened in the day WHILE I WAS AT WORK NOT WATCHING THE NEWS.  I don’t want to hear Glenn Beck talk about why God sent him to Earth to tell everyone that liberals want to eat your babies, and I don’t want to hear Keith Olbermann talk scientifically about how his wiener came to be the biggest on the planet.  I want the one thing that the 24 hour news networks can’t seem to find: news.