How to turn 2 hours of news into 24 hours of programming
A lot goes on in a 24 hour span. You wake up, you get dressed, you shuffle around until you get your coffee, make it to work, come home, maybe mow your lawn, jerk off, go to bed. No offense, but that isn’t exactly news. So how is it, that while millions of us do exactly that every day, there is enough BIG news to fill in 24 hours of cable programming.
The simple answer is that there isn’t that much news happening during the day. So how do channels like CNN, Fox News, and MSNBC manage to pump out endless hours of “news.” The simple answer to that one is that they don’t. In fact, on an average day, these networks cover the same 4 or 5 stories in an endless loop, filling in the cracks with pants-on-head retarded stories about Lindsey Lohan’s latest gangbang/DUI/overdose, or Mel Gibson’s latest comment about those money-grubbing Jews, and with anchors switching from behind the desk like a bunch of hockey players subbing in for the last 2 minutes of a game. But its not the anchors who have it the hardest, its the other guys.
The drones in the background frantically search for even the slightest bit of information that could justify flashing breaking news across the screen, causing the anchor to pretend that this next story is unlike anything they’ve ever seen. And what is with the bears? I honestly can’t understand why so many goddamn bears get loose in the middle of random suburban neighborhoods. Maybe the bears know that they wouldn’t get as much camera time if they rolled up in the Portland or the Bronx.
This might as well be real. And every time there’s a car chase, you would think by watching the anchors demeanor that it was the first time someone ever thought it might work to try and step on the gas pedal rather than stop. I’m not diminishing the danger of a high-speed chase, but if they are really that high a priority on the news agenda, why don’t I ever get to see the Fox News helicopter over my town covering the drag race between my neighbor and his meth-head uncle?
But there are other strategies to fill the time that only partially involve bullshit. Opinion shows. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I don’t even care if you’re talented enough to have your own show. But when you open a newspaper, normally 1 or 2 pages are dedicated to opinion. The pages are clearly labeled. In a small newspaper, lets say 10 pages, opinion will encompass no more than one-tenth to one-fifth of the total content. On Fox News, weekday programming consists of NEARLY FIFTY PERCENT opinion. Oh by the way, if you want news after you’re finally able to sit down for the day, the networks are going to want you to go ahead and pour yourself a nice refreshing glass of go fuck yourself, because you won’t find it after 8. Instead, you’ll find these guys:
Apparently the best time to get your news is when you’re at work. Unfortunately, all I care to get from my news is the facts of what happened in the day WHILE I WAS AT WORK NOT WATCHING THE NEWS. I don’t want to hear Glenn Beck talk about why God sent him to Earth to tell everyone that liberals want to eat your babies, and I don’t want to hear Keith Olbermann talk scientifically about how his wiener came to be the biggest on the planet. I want the one thing that the 24 hour news networks can’t seem to find: news.