Movie Review: 2012
Word on the Street is that 2012 equals the apocalypse. Whatever it equals, it most certainly does not equal good movie. At WOTS, we will generally make a half-assed attempt to be fair and put kidding aside to do so. But I simply can’t be nice about this. When cinema and CGI began their relationship, it looked like the beginning of a long-lasting marriage that would produce many well-performed, visually sexy, and overall well thought-out pieces of art, and in many instances it has reached and even exceeded that standard. But no one could have envisioned the bastard child that this couple would produce in 2012.
As I watched the movie, I made mental notes of every glaring cliche I could. Apparently the government was aware in 2010 that some ridiculous psuedo-science magic beam of fairy mucus was affecting the core of the Earth, and the world was scheduled to end right when the Mayan calendar predicted. They try to save humanity and so on. And of course theres the nut-job hippie who knew it all along but no one would listen but he was actually right. I can just imagine the production meeting:
“Hey guys lets make a movie about the apocalypse in 2012.”
“Alright what did you guys have in mind?”
“Well we can’t save everyone on Earth, because that would be STUPID.”
“Well how are we going to live then?”
“Government scientists are going to know about it and the government will secretly prepare.”
“Alright that was easy, now what?”
“Well we’re not going to make a movie out of that, because that required almost no thought or effort…”
“Yeah guys and between the writers and cameramen we only spent 100 dollars, we still have a good 200 million left to spend.”
“We need actors.”
“Yeah maybe if they’re good enough they can make our shitty script good.”
(Nods of agreement throughout the room)
“Okay what else…”
“Call up the CGI guys….All of them.”
And thus 2012 was born. A massively over-budgeted destruction-porn flick that used a few big name actors to drag a kindergarten-level script kicking and screaming “This movie is a fucking joke!” through a plot that is so absolutely contrived and poorly thought out that I began hoping for one of the characters to look into the camera and say, “You all just got punk’d mothafuckas.” At least then I could go home being pissed that the movie was a joke rather than being pissed that it was a joke but thought its audience was stupid enough to take it seriously.
2012 reminds me of Miss Teen South Carolina. Anyone can like a girl that looks good, and if they have a personality, you don’t have to hate yourself for it. But 2012 is like a girl with no personality and no intelligence. Granted she looks good, but her lack of intelligence and personality is just so incredibly glaring that saying that you are attracted to her just feels wrong in every way.
I’m not just taking cheap shots at this movie. I’m willing to go so far as to send a handwritten letter to anyone thinking about seeing this movie. In it I will place 1 dollar. This dollar is me paying you NOT to see it. See, I look out for you guys.